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Post by Lady Sephira on Nov 18, 2009 19:08:12 GMT -8
This journal is unmarked, and made of rose petals. The inside pages are comprised of goblin parchment rendering the journal unreadable. Any attempting to scry the journal will envoke the wards set upon it of delusion level two, facade. The person scrying will be privy to seeing a young sidhe writing in the journal. The sidhe's thumb will always conveniently be covering the top part of her journal where a name might be. The journal entries themselves will be comprised of the nuances of what she wore that day, along with who she had the pleasure of meeting, what she ate, and how many flowers she picked.
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Post by Lady Sephira on Nov 18, 2009 19:08:36 GMT -8
It is almost madness, a pain, like ice slipping over your heart and numbing it slowly. It is bitter and wrong and there is too much awareness as it encapsulates you. It is a hollow feeling, an empty feeling, like all hope is draining out of you and all the dreams you dreamed and planned and wished for are all being pulled out of you never to be recovered… and if you let it progress you will be a cold and numb shell which nothing can touch: Not joy, not fear, not pain, not loss, not hope, nor happiness.
The question arises, when you can feel it encroach upon you, the protective shield that will not let anything penetrate you, how do you cast it off? Erecting it is painful enough, but what is worse is the emotion, anger, sorrow and agony that it holds off. How do you welcome that freely, knowing it will shake you to the very core? The shield is designed to keep you from breaking, but perhaps that attempt only breaks you further? Is it better to wade through the despair and ache or to be so hollow that there is no care for life?
At least if you allow yourself to feel it fully, to feel the loss and emptiness and ache that throbs inside of you, if you truly embrace it, there is the potential to be happy and hopeful again. But how do you get there: To embrace the resentment and anger and sadness and pain. No matter how silly the thoughts and feelings building up inside you feel, and how much you know that were you in a more rational frame of mind you would not have begun to entertain them at all and that they are untrue, they now exist and become real.
And really all you want is for that someone to see what is happening inside of you and to stop it before you cannot save yourself. You wonder how they cannot recognize it seeping out of the pores of your skin, behind your smile, in your eyes and your voice and you realize how truly spectacular a mask they must all be because to you the resonance of your entire being, every cell in your body is not just crying but screaming it.
And you feel alone, because even that dream of being truly understood and fated seems a lie because either they do not see it or they do not care or do do not understand. Or perhaps they are feeling the same way you are and also unable or too proud to reach out and express it?
How do you tear down a self erected wall you never meant or wanted to build? How do you stop tears from silently flowing that have no rhyme or reason?
Can you stop them? When all you want is to hear the words "I love you" and for them to be so impassioned they strip everything else away and bring you back to life. So that nothing that came before matters and everything that comes next is filled with hope.
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Post by Lady Sephira on Nov 18, 2009 19:10:56 GMT -8
I do not believe anyone noticed my absence.
I have spent nearly half a month outside of the freehold of roses.
Posha was restless. I was... restless...
I am wilting. Perhaps my time has come.
In High Court my disappearance would have been quickly noticed, and perhaps highly celebrated, but still, observed.
Lady Sephira Feeorin ni Eiluned Alil. I do not have to pretend to be Eiluned anymore. The fae here care little for titles, for kith, for house. They do not know what each truly means.
I have meandered through Dungeons, towns, markets and the wild. I have camped under the stars, hidden with bated breath as monsters stride by, and observed Sosaria. I am not impressed.
I long again for the bustle of high court. I long for the intrigue...
I am beginning to realize there may be nothing here for me...
No closer than I was as a child in high court staring wide eyed at the chaos, transfixed. If only I had not seen.
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Post by Lady Sephira on Dec 13, 2009 8:03:01 GMT -8
I didn't mean to say anything, but my heart felt too heavy as I stared off the dock and into the blue of the water not to . . .
and while he didn't ask me to stay, he did say he didn't want me to go . . .
that is enough to keep me here . . .
I will not leave until he tells me he does not want me, and then I fear my heart will shatter and I will never recover . . .
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Post by Lady Sephira on Dec 13, 2009 18:02:51 GMT -8
He is the Versalis
His laughter is not joy in ecstasy it is not the revelry in death the cause of destruction they think
His laughter is broken the force of his storm a twisted cry so the tears do not show
Behind his eyes it rages veiling the loneliness and pain in his eyes he caught me, twisting my soul away and replacing it with an ache to send the pain away
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